‘Honour’ is an excuse that is repeatedly used to justify tragedies and injustices in the Asian community.
So, if a mother or father finds out their child has been sexually abused, it is no surprise that many of them will keep quiet because of bringing ‘dishonour’ on the family. These social taboos combined with the low conviction rates of such crimes, often prevent the victims from seeking justice.
A ray of hope in the darkness is support group Women Against Rape (WAR), which tirelessly works for victims of abuse and actively campaign for justice for them. Eastern Eye visited the group to see their good work and to speak to the mother of two victims WAR has been working with. She shared the harrowing story of the injustice faced by her two sexually abused daughters.
“My younger daughter used to spend time with my in-laws when I went to work. Her behaviour changed when she went to their house. She used to come home a lot of the time with no underwear on, and she was very reluctant to be left there. I didn't know why, I didn't understand it.
‘It is a struggle, but will happen to others if you stay quiet.’
“When her grandparents went on holiday she told me that her grandfather was doing things to her. When my father-in-law was away, I went to the doctor, who then reported it to the police. A social worker talked to my younger daughter but she wouldn't talk to them because she was only four. They wanted to take her to a centre, and make her talk through it like a play, but my ex wouldn't allow it. So nothing happened.
“They did interview my father-in-law, but that is as far as it went. We used to see him occasionally at other people's houses but he was never allowed back in our house once I found out. As it was putting pressure and stress on my daughter, I decided that she didn't need to see him at all.
“Fast forward 12 years, my eldest has a breakdown and was in hospital - the reason is that she had started to remember abuse by her uncle. The memories she kept suppressed came back to her. She thinks she must have been about six at the time it happened. At the time, I didn't know about it, so my brother-in-law still used to come to the house. My daughter told me that her uncle had said if she told anybody, he would take her to his parents’ house and put her in the cellar in the dark. She was terrified and even now she gets very shaken and frightened in the dark.
“The illness of my elder daughter upset my younger daughter, and triggered her own memories of what had happened to her when she was four. She told the school nurse what had happened to her sister. The nurse then rang me and told me she had this disclosure from her and she had been advised by social services that the police needed to be informed. The school nurse asked me to come in and ring social services, which I did, and they said, 'Well, you don't actually live in our borough so we are not going to deal with it. You need to report it to your own borough.' So that's what I did, but they said ‘You are not the person it had happened to so we can’t take it further.’
“I told the school nurse it was a total waste of time and she reported it herself. This time they took notice and passed it on to the police, who rang me to get more details and said to me, ‘We will go in next week and arrest him.’ But nothing happened. After my daughter came out of hospital, she went to the police station with a friend of hers to do a video-taped interview.
“Her friend had contacted Women Agaisnt Rape before the interview to get advice and support. The police officer was very negative and unhelpful and said, 'I don't want to give you false hope but it doesn't look like its going to progress much more.'
“I knew that the uncle was a paedophile. He abused my daughter when I was in the house - I was downstairs and he abused her upstairs in the bathroom. I told the police that the uncle was a teacher in a secondary school, that he has constant access to children but he still remains in his post to date.
“I was getting very frustrated that they weren't taking it seriously, so I went to my local MP who wrote to the police. They wrote back and said they had told the education authority and social services and ‘All aspects of public safety had been addressed’. I then wrote to the Chair of Governors of the school, who thanked me for informing him of this serious allegation and said the first he had heard of it was from my letter, not from the police and social services.
“My elder one has said that she will never get married because of what she remembered. I have told her that it is still new and fresh to her, she is in the process of healing and that 'never' is a long time. But she is still adamant about it. She used to be very confident, a high achiever, very highly educated, very strongly opinionated, could take on anybody. She has changed so much; she is reluctant to meet people and is very withdrawn. She has only done temporary work since coming out of hospital. She is still on medication. The effects are long term.
“My younger one has had longer to deal with it, but every couple of years she gets very low. There have been times when she has been in a really bad way and had to go back to counselling. She had low self-esteem, was always weeping and was almost into self-harming. Both of them mistrust men and they are not sure what men want from them because of what happened to them.
“My ex's family have taken the stance that these thoughts have been put into my daughters’ heads, and this couldn't possibly have happened and they [the family members] are both innocent. It is just the easiest option. It came as a big shock to my ex, because people who should have been caring for us have done this. I think his sisters know things and have kept it hidden and I think there is a link between my father-in-law and brother-in-law. Maybe he was abused by his father when he was younger, although he is a hundred times worse than his father.
“So if it’s a family member, what does a mother do? Does she believe her child or stay quiet about it? Does she bring her family into disrepute or does she let her child be abused? A lot of Asian girls live a double life, one behaviour for their parents and one outside their home. They sometimes feel that they can not talk openly with their parents, but have to act the part of a dutiful daughter.
“What I would say is that mothers have to believe their children. They don't lie about these things; they have got no reason to lie. If a child tells you, then they are telling you the truth because it has taken an awful lot of courage for them to tell you. You have to be approachable and not judgemental so your children feel that they can say something and you are not going to come down on them. Mothers need to be constantly talking to and listening to their children. The mother has a nurturing role, which makes her more approachable and her love is unconditional. A father's love can sometimes be dependant on 'You have been good therefore I'll love you.' A mother's love will be there no matter what.
“I don't want this to sound all negative, because people will start thinking ‘Why should I come forward when they don't do anything?’
“You have to do what you can, like get in touch with organisations such as Women Against Rape. It is a struggle, but it will happen to other people if you stay quiet.”
Eastern Eye, 8 February 2008
‘Authorities to be put on Trial’
A LEADING women’s group will mark their 30th anniversary with a public trial next Saturday.
British-Asian rape victims and their families will attend the event The Rape of Justice: Who’s Guilty? organised by Women Against Rape (WAR). They will testify about their experiences of sexual and domestic violence to hold authorities to account for not dealing with their cases adequately. Male victims and memebrs of the public are also welcome.
Ruth Hall, the head of WAR said: “The government and police have to know that people are going to hold them account. Year after year they talk about hos they are now taking rape seriously and it’s a priority. It’s a constant eye wash.
“WAR found for 15 years to get the law of rape inside marriage changed. That is one thing we have won and today it is recognised as a crime. This is the 30th anniversary and we are wanting to look at what has changed and what hasn’t changed. Many rape survivors are involved in organising this public trial. It is going to be one big occasion where people can support each other. Both survivors and mothers will come forward.”
Public Trial – The Rape of Justice: Who’s Guilty? will be held nect Saturday (16) at Trinity United Reformed Church, Buck Street, London NW1 8NJ. Call 0207 482 2496 or visit www.womenagainstrape.net for details.